Why it is important to defend personal boundaries in the work team
We spend at least a third of the day at work. And if we take into account the lunch break and possible overtime, it turns out that we see colleagues more often than we see our families. Therefore, a favorable climate in the team is not a luxury, but a condition necessary for our psychological well-being.
However, there are many situations that make us feel uncomfortable. Here are just a few examples:
Some colleagues shift some of their work to others to free up their time.
The management constantly asks you to stay or go out on the weekend, and such situations are taken for granted.
Every now and then, conflicts break out that are not related to work issues, but only force us to waste time and lead to an aggravation of relations.
Some of the employees get too close during a conversation, touch the other person or ask personal questions.
The team is spreading gossip and there is discrimination based on personal qualities. And you don’t have to be a victim, just the fact is enough.
Communication uses passive aggression rather than the principles of healthy dialogue.
Colleagues write and call at night for questions that do not require immediate intervention.
The boss does not evaluate the work itself, but the personality of the performer, insults or humiliates subordinates.
People are often willing to put up with such inconveniences. The reasons are usually simple and easy to understand. Some people, for example, are not good at drawing boundaries, while others are afraid that this will damage their careers or even lead to dismissal. This is quite possible, especially if management encourages the absence of a line between work and personal, and encourages those who disagree with this state of affairs to leave in various ways.
So, on the one hand, whether or not to protect your borders is a personal choice. On the other hand, in the long run, all this will affect your well-being, mood and self-esteem.
Oleg Ivanov
Psychologist, conflictologist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution.
The invasion of personal space by strangers affects psychological well-being. A person may feel guilty, tired, irritated. Often there is a feeling of losing control over one’s own life, of the inability to make decisions on your own. Therefore, it is important to respect personal boundaries in any relationship, including working relationships.
How to defend boundaries in relations with colleagues
Define your priorities
This is the best time to start with yourself. Describe what exactly you mean by the concept of a “favorable climate” in the team and what kind of working relations you would like to see. Then decide what you’re willing to be flexible about, what to turn a blind eye to, and on which issues you’ll take a principled position.
There will always be many nuances in life, so it will be burdensome to defend all approaches to the borders at once. Start with what’s most important to you.
Respect other people’s boundaries
From the point of view of geopolitics, the borders between countries assume that the state not only protects its territory, but also does not invade the lands of its neighbor. It’s the same in relationships: if you want your boundaries not to be violated, treat others with respect.
Let’s say if you don’t like answering questions about family or health, don’t ask others. And if you don’t expect to hear an anecdote about your religious denomination in return, don’t joke about your colleague’s nationality. All in all, the basic rule here is: treat others as you would like to be treated.
Illustration: Anna Guridova/Lifehacker
Don’t engage in controversial conversations
According to the rules of etiquette, politics, religion and health cannot be discussed in small talk. It is clear why: these are potentially provocative topics that can easily escalate into a scandal with elements of assault. So it’s best to refrain from discussing them at work. This also applies to other controversial issues, as well as gossip and rumors.
Svetlana Beloded
Head of Human Resources at QBF.
Let’s say you’ve started a conversation about other team members that you don’t want to be a part of. To begin with, I advise you to simply not support her. If you keep silent one time or another, it will become clear that it is useless to have such conversations with you. You can also politely make it clear that you’re not interested in this topic.
Speak directly
Sometimes a person breaks into personal space not because the villain wants to hurt you. Perhaps he has other “pain points” and he has no idea that his behavior can cause discomfort to others. Or he’s having problems with borders himself.
There are many reasons, but your goal is not to save your colleague, but to protect yourself. Therefore, sometimes it is enough to openly talk about the inconveniences you are experiencing. This is especially true for personal items — for example, if a colleague has a habit of touching everyone or asking questions about topics that you consider intimate.
Aleksandr Rykiel
PhD in Psychology, Head of the “Intergenerational Communication” and “Conflict Situations” areas at Business Speech.
To prevent this from looking conflicting, you can turn it all into a joke or try to put it mildly, but at the same time take the “blame”: “Why don’t I like hugs. All normal people love and I don’t. So don’t cuddle with me—I’m that kind of person.”
However, this works if the aggressor acts unconsciously. If tactlessness is a manipulation and its point is to influence you, then, according to Alexander Rickel, you can react to it publicly: “Why are you trying to make a fool of me. What are you doing this for?”
Test a neutral reaction
The natural impulse when meeting a border breaker is to put him in his place. But it is important for the team to defend its rights and not to worsen the overall climate.
Psychologist Ekaterina Korolkova advises you to work on neutral intonations and facial expressions with which you will convey to your interlocutor what you want to say to him. This may not reflect your true emotions, but they are a bad helper when you need to defend your boundaries at work.
Armed with neutrality, you’ll be able to respond to intrusions into your territory in several ways:
Express your feelings: “Sorry, but I’m very uncomfortable when people discuss such issues in my presence.”
Make suggestions about how your interlocutor feels. For example, this is how to respond to a colleague’s tactless remark: “It looks like I’m annoying you today.”
To rephrase what you’ve been told: “Am I right in understanding that you’re asking me to solve this problem for you?”
Yekaterina Korolkova
Psychologist.
Neutrality is key here. The slightest bit of sarcasm can ruin the whole thing.
Learn to say no
Attempts to shift responsibilities to colleagues are not uncommon. And this is where the popular wisdom works: “Whoever is lucky, that’s what they go”. So the main task is not to put “riders” on your back.
Svetlana Beloded recommends being tactful if any issues have nothing to do with you and it is not your job to resolve them. This should be pronounced calmly but firmly.
If you feel that a colleague might be offended by such an answer, list what you are doing now. Make it clear that an additional task won’t allow you to complete your work on time.
Illustration: Anna Guridova/Lifehacker
At the same time, it is important to distinguish between when a person is trying to manipulate and when they really need help. At the end of the day, there are always common tasks. And if a project that will bring the company a large sum of money is on schedule somewhere, everyone will smell of smoke. In such a situation, there is definitely a reason to stay late after work or take on unusual responsibilities.
If a colleague consults you or asks you to teach him something, this may also pay dividends in the future. Therefore, not all requests for help should be taken with hostility.
Be consistent
Once you have decided to defend your personal boundaries, hold on to the end. If you keep changing your position or if it’s not transparent to others, your colleagues won’t take it seriously.
For example, if today you say that you don’t want to discuss others, and tomorrow you report the news to the department that Mikhalych from the third workshop has divorced, then it’s not very clear what, from your point of view, is acceptable and what is not.
Don’t expect everything to go smoothly either. Many will take your position with hostility. For example, you can ask a colleague not to call you until the start of the working day because your family members are still sleeping and the phone signal can wake them up. And in response, he will think: “Look what swell! I actually get up at five in the morning,” and he’ll keep calling as if nothing happened.
There is always a chance that things will change over time. Don’t give up hope and remember: companies that employ people who are able to negotiate normally do exist. Maybe you just haven’t found yours yet.
Source: https://lifehacker.ru/lichnye-granicy-na-rabote/
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